ako at ang ako nila

2006-08-23T03:28:00.000-07:00

sa muling pagluha at pagtoma
-- samut saring realisasyon isang gabi sa ybardo (kampay)

"masarap daw ang pakiramdam ng nagmamahal." pero bakit pagdating sa akin mukhang mali yung nasabing kasabihan. madalas akong lumuha. masokista ata yung mga nakaisip ng nasabing kataga. "normal lang daw ang masaktan sa pag-ibig." bakit naman ako maghahanap ng sakit ng katawan at damdamin kung ok naman ako na wala yun sa buhay ko? mahirap talaga ipilit ang isang bagay na di pa talaga ukol. "natututunan ang pagmamahal." sana nga. "hindi minamadali ang pag-ibig." nasusuka na ako. nasaan ba yung banyo?

nakakaisang bote pa lang ako pero bakit tila sumusirko na ang sikmura ko? malamang dahil sa sama ng loob at sa tagal na rin ng panahon na hindi nasasayaran ng alkohol ang katawan ko. lumulutang pala talaga ang pakiramdam na tila isang espiritu kapag tinamaan ka na --ng alak.

uwi na lang ako kapag naisuka ko na ito. pero bakit ganun? di pa rin nawawala yung sakit? patuloy pa rin ang paglabas ng letseng luha sa problemado kong mata. pakilayu-layo naman yung buga ng yosi para di ako mangamoy tinapang tsiko.

maingay na ako. behave. behave. gin pom naman para walang hang-over bukas.

LIEZL (August 23, 2006)

2006-04-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

lintek na pag-ibig

sa totoo lang, ngayon ko lang mararanasan ang maligawan. may kung ilang beses na ang nagtangka na ako'y lapitan pero sadya yatang pihikan ako pagdating sa bagay na iyan.

nagawa ko ng sumira ng pag-aaral dahil sa maling pagharap sa isang nagtatangkang manligaw noong ako'y high school pa lang. sukat ba namang punitin ko ang love letter nya at itapon ang pirapiraso nitong bahagi sa katabing basurahan! maling mali naman kasi na kalabanin ang pag-aaral na siya kong buhay noong panahon iyon.

natuto na ako sa sumunod. sa telepono naman sya nagpahayag ng nararamdaman. mukha ko daw syang sinermunan pero natanggap naman nya at pinasalamatan pa ako sa maayos ko raw na pakikitungo sa kanya.

itong pangatlo ang isa sa mga nakakatuwa. umakyat talaga ng ligaw sa bahay. nandoon mismo sa sala ang lolo at lola ko. pero hindi sila nakahalata kasi tila nagka-counseling lang ako ng isang binatilyong naliligaw ang landas. magaling syang mangatwiran. pero hindi parin sya umubra sa aking prayoridad na pag-aaral at pagtulong sa kapwa kabataan. tsk..tsk.

may isang gusto pa atang pigilin ko ang kasal nya! pero nakumbinsi kong ituloy dahil alam kong iyon ang tama. nanghihinayang nga lang ako sa aming pagkakaibigan kasi matapos ang nangyari, para na nya akong iniiwasan.

sa sumunod, labis akong natuwa. crush ko sya mula pa noong bata pa ako. pero nang magkaroon ng pagkakataon na makapag-usap kami ng may kung ilang beses sa telepono, doon ko natuklasan na hanggang paghanga lang talaga ang pwede kong ibigay sa kanya.

sa ngayon, nangangapa ako kung paano ko ba sasabihin sa tila nagkamali ng napili na hindi pa ako handang pumasok sa isang relasyon at mukhang hindi na talaga mababago pa ang desisyon ko tungkol dun.

ayaw ko na kasing makapagdulot ng sakit. sapat na sa akin na ako na lang ang masaktan na hindi nila nalalaman. doble kasi ang nararamdaman ko kapag nakikita ko silang nahihirapan na ako ang may kagagawan. kung pwede nga lang na sagutin ko kung sino ang dumating sa buhay ko wag lang silang masaktan, ginawa ko na. pero hindi naman ata yun tama.

idadaan ko na lang marahil sa panalangin. isang panalangin na sana ay patuloy pa rin akong maging matatag sa aking paniniwala at paninindigan tungkol sa usaping puso at pakikipagrelasyon.

LIEZL (4/29/06)

2006-04-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

sa likod ng mga ningning ng mata ng kabataan

nito ko lang natuklasan na may pagnanais pala akong magturo. nais kong magbigay ng inspirasyon sa mga kabataang gusto ng mawalan ng pag-asang lumaban pa sa buhay. nais kong makapagbigay ng lakas ng loob na ipagpatuloy ang pangangarap sa buhay na walang kasiguraduhan. ang mabigyan sila ng mapagpipilian na nasa kanila na rin namang harapan.

sa bawat pagkakataon na ibibigay sa aking magsalita sa harap ng mga kabataang tila naliligaw ang landas, lumalakas ang loob kong itulak sila sa buhay. ang lunurin ang sarili sa tamang pagtuklas nito gamit ang karanasan at edukasyong ibinigay sa kanila ng lipunang kinagisnan.

kay sarap bumuntong-hininga na para bang walang karapatan ang kabiguan sa buhay nila sapagkat hindi sila ipinanganak na talunan. maaaring matalo sila ng pagkakataon pero ito ang magpapatatag sa kanila bilang isang tao.

ang tanging pagkakamali marahil na pwede nilang magawa ay ang sumuko lalo na't di pa nila sinusubukan.

kailangan kong mag-isip ng mabuti. maaaring ito ang isa sa silbi ko sa buhay. alam kong hindi mahaba ang ibinigay sa aking panahon pero sana ay magkaroon pa ako ng palugit. pasasaan ba at makikita ko muli ang ningning sa mga mata ng mga kabataang naghihintay man o hindi sa aking pagdating.

LIEZL (4/29/06)

2006-02-13T10:32:00.000-08:00

2006-01-18T06:42:00.000-08:00

ang aking mga inampon

maligaya na kaya sila sa bago nilang tahanan?

matapos kong kupkupin ang nawalay na inakay na umusbong sa ibang sinapupunan

mapayapa na kaya silang nahihimbing sa bago nilang silungan?

na malayo ang pinag-iba sa tahimik na kandungan

maluwag pa rin ba silang nakahihinga?

sa hanging dumuduyan sa kasalukuyan

masarap pa rin kaya ang kain nila?

kahit ako na ang nagluluto sa kanila

masaya akong nasumpungan mga luntiang yaman

at batid kong sila'y hiram

pakamamahalin at aarugain

kahit di ako ang pinagmulan buhay nila

LIEZL (1/18/06)

2006-01-18T06:32:00.000-08:00

sa ilalim ng liwanag ng buwan

may kung ilang gabi na akong naglulunoy sa bilugan nyang kariktan
wari'y pinagpapasasaan ko ang payapa nyang paglalakbay sa kalawakan
maligaya na akong matanaw sya buhat sa malayo
ang maipakita ang paghanga kahit di nya alam...

(idinugtong na lang kalaunan)
hibang na marahil kung ituring ngunit matamis nyang tinig ang naririnig
kasabay ng mga bituin na paindak-indak sa malamyos ngunit maharot nyang awit
patuloy na bihag ng sumpa nyang liwanag.

LIEZL (1/18/06)

2006-01-13T08:34:00.000-08:00

Same Pole, Same Planet

It’s just recently that I realized that I must have been falling for someone. The mere admission of it makes me feel uneasy. Perhaps its just a strong admiration to a person of the opposite sex but not to the point of falling in love. Maybe its just that.

But something almost broke my fantasy of being with somebody. I found out that his interest is not with the beings coming from the same pole that I came from. Coincidentally, the person I’m starting to like, realizes that he’s among the creatures living in planet Venus too! Poor me.

I have nothing against homosexuals. In fact I have a lot of acquaintances and friends coming from both extremes of the said gender, meaning lesbians and gays, but I haven’t included those belonging to the transexuals and other classifications which are too complicated to identify.

It's weird for me to have an intimate relationship with someone like them. But who would forget the Arnel-Frannie, Odgie-(I forgot the name of his wife), and Tita Swarding-(non-showbiz wife) unions? However, what we can recall is how the said unions were torn apart due to irreconcilable differences.

Weird was what i thought of it then. Until I met my former mentor.

She’s happily married (looks like one) to a gay partner. Perhaps that’s one of the reason why she hasn’t been bearing children. But it’s beyond the topic anymore.

Maybe I can make the same relationship work for me. Hopefully, he’ll notice me or something. It’s also a question on who should make the first move to whom and how? Only time will tell.

I have reached this age wherein I decided to remain single. Its not that long for me to wait for another year or two to choose to keep the status or not. I’m also wondering how does it feels like to write something such as “in a relationship” even in one of my web profiles?

First I just have to find out if what I’m feeling is for real.

But while I’m still waiting for that day to come, I’ll just have to be contented to casual conversations and non-romantic interactions with my prospect first ever gay partner.

LIEZL (AUGUST 2005)

2006-01-13T05:44:00.001-08:00

Bag-Iw Adventure

My reaction after hearing that we are heading to Baguio sometime in January is far from being happy and excited. I don't like low temperatures. How would you expect to enjoy something if you are shivering in a 12 degree temperature? Thankfully, a hotel agreed for an ex-deal to shelter the 15 plus team members of the show where i am currently connected. At least, taking a bath will not be a problem because of the hot and cold water.

My baggage looked as if i'm going to stay there for a week due to jackets and extra tops in case the dreaded temperature is true. Luckily, the coldness turned out to be warmer than the projected less than 18 degrees celsius air.

Day One (A FOUR HOUR TRIP FROM MANILA)

We unpacked our things and went in to see how the hotel room looks like. After a breakfast that arrived after ten years (in a different establishment)... The individual team members went on their own adventure. Some went to church; others, meet their comrades based in Baguio; checked the ukay-ukay for great finds and the rest, i'm not sure where they went, but shopping and sight-seeing will not be missed out.

Due to lack of sleep, i ended up catching up on my snooze until lunch time.

Shucks! me and my room mates overslept. But we were able to start the meeting with the team on time.

After a filling dinner (i can't believe how i was able to stuff myself with the dessert!) we went to shoot the gig of Pepe Smith and Joey Ayala.

The gig is just an icing to the cake. What's really a treat is the mixture of artists who attended it. You will feel the creative energy around minus the cloud of smoke from the different cigarette brands that they use.

I had my picture taken together with Kidlat Tahimik.

A bonus is that i was able to meet my college classmate who happens to be acquianted to my new colleague- Chelsea.

By the end of the first day, i was able to purchase a new silver earing, a new pair of gloves and two blankets made from Ilocos.

Day Two (WHERE'S THE COLD WEATHER?..LAST DAY)

The highlight of this day is that i was able to meet the cool Rishab and the artist Ben Cabrera. I love Ben Cab's garden. The garden has an Ifugao house replica and I went to see the inside of it. It (the garden) has different plant species and it was arranged in a beautifully landscaped replica of an Ifugao village.

After the scenic farm of Ben Cab, we were invited to view his studio. I have never seen an artist's studio that close. I thought it will look dusty and dirty but it is the other way around. It is a big room with a high ceiling. It has bookshelves on the second level and white walls. It is a nice place for claustrophobic, plenty of breathing and moving space. Well lit. Similar to a mini museum i may say.

I was able to bring home a signed magazine-like compilation of his work, a postcard of his collection and a real lavender flower.

The lavender is planted inside his bonsai garden at the back of his house and studio. I was introduced on how the plant looks like and how it really smells like. The popular scent believed to give a soothing effect is not that far from the smell of an oregano leaf--only it has a milder odor.

Another treat is that i was able to bond to the other member of our production team aside from Chelsea, Ate Lani, Kuya Jesse and Kuya Egay. I also enjoyed the company of Kuya Freddie and his wife Ms. Fen.

Who would want to leave Baguio without strawberry jam as pasalubong. But these time, instead of just strawberry jam, I was also able to buy fresh strawberries for an affordable price (if in season, one may be able to purchase a kilo of this sesame-like covered red fruit for 50-70 pesos/kilo).

The sweeter variety of the usually sour fruit is heaven to my taste buds. I ate more than five pieces of it as free taste. Unfortunately, the sweeter and ripe pieces of it was almost crushed on my way back to Manila. I should learn how to preserve the freshness of ripe strawberries packed in makeshift boxes wrapped in plastic bags.

With all the astig experience i have within that short stay, i am still not convinced to settle in Baguio for good.

LIEZL (1/13/06)

2006-01-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

Over a Dinner and Lunch

Recently, i had the luxury of time to meet with my former high school classmates. Two of them specifically. I told myself that i will not be surprised seeing them totally different from how i remember them way back in high school. But i was wrong. I can't help but utter words of awe despite the fact that i am updated of their whereabouts through friendster account. Thanks to digital photography, its a lot easier to upload pics as compared to scanning those printed-kept-in-photo-album versions. Through it, i was able to see how they look now and compare them to their pictures in mind and in albums i have.

Dinner.

Gherj, that's how most of us call her hasn't changed alot. She's still the girl in her slim and tall built. A fashionista i must say even way back in secondary school which she happens to maintain to the present. I don't know if i'd be happy or not when she said that i haven't changed. She added that it isa s if she did a time travel because how i looked fours year ago is basically the same.

We talked for more than an hour over dinner. And that is one of the dinners that i felt full because during the Christmas holiday, i wasn't able to feast on what is prepared for the Noche Buena. I stopped eating meat all of a sudden just after i returned from one of my coverage in Mindanao. Not that i converted to become a muslim or something, I just realized that people can survive without eating pork because there are other meat alternatives. Unfortunately, it seems as if my family appeared to hasn't discovered the other ways of cooking fish, chicken, beef etc. In short, i was fed with canned sardines, fried egg, dried fish, noodles and corned beef almost every meal.

Lunch.

I met Brother Clement on his last day in Manila just after the New Year. It is after a phone call to the office from him saying his Hi's and Hello's to people he hasn't seen for more than a year or so. Literally, he hasn't seen most of us-- his high school batchmates because the seminary where he is in is based in Bacolod.

He told me stories about the sacrifices that one has to go through if they decided to enter the vocation of priesthood. But according to him he is not eager to be a priest yet. He is still enjoying the stage he is in. Soon, he will be assigned to Bataan as part of their study. He is both excited and afraid about it. He gained weight as compared from his slim body back in SFHS. He has kept his wit and humour though, which will help him a lot in his chosen field. He is still a serious as ever, meaning he will seldom talk of any non-sense. A priest in the making.

Truly a lunch to remember. A frosty-less lunch because i am avoiding to aggravate the sore throat that i already have. FYI, due to the cold climate during the holiday, most of my officemates either have cough or cold. It's not new hearing or seeing people blowing their noses to facial tissues.

Going back, as if he read my mind, he left me a magnetic inspirational bible verse as a remembrance. Something which is badly needed in my office space. I use magnetic whatever (what do you call those things usually seen as a decorative material on the fridge's door?) to hold letters/notes on the whiteboard.

Whether he already decided to follow the person whom he changed his name after, he will still be my classmate Jorge.

I am more than eager to meet my former classmates. I'll try to squeeze some time for them.

LIEZL (1/08/06)

2005-11-12T01:58:00.000-08:00

TAKBO!

May kung ilang beses na ako nakaririnig ng mga kwento ng snatching, hold-up at kung anu-ano pang krimen sa kalakhang Maynila. May kung ilang beses na rin ako nakasaksi ng mga nasabing krimen. May nangyari sa isang kaanak, sa kaibigan at maging sa akin na mismo, sinuswerte lang dahil walang natatangay mula sa akin-dahil wala naman talaga silang makukuha mula sa akin.

Hindi pa naman nawawala ng lubusan ang tiwala ko sa mga taga-Maynila maliban sa dito ako lumaki, dito rin tumatakbo ang bawat araw ko.

Pero iba pala talaga kapag ikaw na ang sangkot at alam mo kung ano ang nangyayari o posibleng mangyari sa mga eksenang may nakikita ka ng patalim mula sa mga masasamang loob.

Gusto mong manlaban, manakit, makaganti man lang sa masama nilang gagawin o ginagawa o gagawin pa lang sa iyo. Pero ang isa sa posible mo na lang na gawin ay ang sumigaw, manahimik, o kaya ay tumakbo papalayo sa tulad nila.

Ganoon ang nangyari sa akin may ilang linggo pa lang ang nakararaan sa lugar na hindi mo aakalain na may mga tulad nilang mananamantala sa pinaghirapan ng iba. Kunsabagay, wala na rin namang ligtas na lugar sa ngayon.Hindi katwiran na hindi sila nakapagtapos ng pag-aaral, na hikahos sila sa buhay, para gumawa sila ng masama sa kapwa.

Mabuti na lang at hindi nila nagawang makapanakit ng pisikal pero sa mga naging biktima ang emosyonal na trauma na idinulot nila ay mas matagal ang magiging pilat at magpapalakas sa takot ng mga ilang mga nawalan na ng tiwala sa syudad.

2005-10-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

sa nalalapit na paglaya sa unang minahal

nagmahal na rin ako.

alam ko na ang sakit ng mabasted. ang manuyo ng may kung ilang beses at tanggihan.

walang ipinagkaiba sa mga lalaking may kung ilang beses na halos manikluhod sagutin lang ng sinisinta. may kung magkano na ang ginasta pambayad sa pamasahe sa jeep, bus, taxi, pedikab at traysikad. may kung ilang pagkakataon ng halos tubuan ng ugat sa kahihintay sa susunduin pero matutuklasan mong isa ka lang pala sa mga pagpipilian o talagang wala sa iyong gusto dahil limang date na ang inindyan.

ang may kung ilang ulit na magbulagbulagan sa kapintasan ng minamahal at patuloy parin sa pag-asa na magiging maayos din ang susunod.

parang isang maybahay na kulay talong na ang braso at ang laging katwiran ay nadulas o nadapa sa loob ng banyo.

ang magparaya at magpakamartir kahit hindi na kaya.

nakatira na ang lahat ng kamag-anak nya sa bahay mo. tinutustusan na ang lahat ng pangangailangan nila at kapag sumablay ka sa minsang sweldo mo, masama ka na.

malawak na paglalarawan pero sa mga posibleng nakaramdam na nito, maaaring pagmamahal nga ang naranasan ko.

pero hindi na ito magtatagal. lalaya na ako.